Mom he needs me to be

With wanting to try to be a better mom/wife, I figured it was time for an overhaul. Last night I went and got a hair cut, got my eyebrows waxed and then today, I colored my hair. I really like it. I feel good and look good. Although the comments from Noah saying that he hated it and I am an embarrassment to him did not help.

I was very lucky because my grandma kept the babies for me while I did my running. Noah tagged along with me. I have no clue why he wanted to go with me, but I was OK with it. I have really tried to be one of those lovey, dovey, talk to my child nice moms. I promise, I really have! However by the end of the night I found myself yelling and Noah ended up in bed after dinner. I find I get very frustrated with him. I don't know if it the medicine or what, but last night he asked me 20 times (and I'm not exaggerating), "what are we having for dinner". I told him nicely 19 times, "I don't know". The twentieth I blew up. I just couldn't take it. I lost it. I let him and myself down.

I had someone who keeps him often, although I can't remember who it is, tell me that Noah doesn't respond unless you yell. I am finding that to be true. I try so hard to be nice and give choices and all. Then I find I get better results if I just yell and start taking things away. Noah is such a stubborn child, very strong willed. I think that is going to be the next book I read, The Strong Willed Child, by Dr. James Dobson. Maybe it will shed some light on Noah. I can NOT be the only parent that has a child this stubborn.

Before you judge me and the way I parent Noah, I say Noah because he is a different breed than the babies. I was a single mom with Noah for 4 years. Just me and him. That's it! His biological father or "J" as we will call him, visited Noah maybe 10 times in the 4 years before Dan came along. I know he has deep rooted abandonment issues. He has horrible anxiety. He's so scared that he's going to lose one of us. I know I can owe that to "J". It just kills me. I don't get how someone can walk away from their child like he did.

I recently found out that Noah has two other half brothers. One is a month older than Josie and the other is about 4 months younger than Maxx. I hope and pray that when he is old enough to understand everything that happened between "J" and myself that he doesn't end up resenting me. I hope he knows we only did it because it was what was best for Noah. Dan loves Noah just as much as Josie and Maxx. I hope he looks back and sees that. I know right now things are jaded because we have to take care of Maxx and Josie; feed, clothe, bathe, change, and watch them a lot closer. He is independent. I just hope he gets it.

He may not know it, but he is MY life. I have a special bond with him because of our 4 years of just us. I have loved him longer. He was my number one. He saved my life. When I had him and after I was in such a dark part of my life, and he helped me through it.

To give you an example, I was very depressed at one point. I had decided to commit suicide. I was going to hang myself in my parent garage so when they came home, they would find me. (Please know I was at a completely different place, a VERY selfish, self centered stage in my life. I was only 22.) My parents were supposed to take Noah, who was about Maxx's age, to church with them. Something in my mom's gut said don't take Noah tonight. So they didn't. I couldn't bare the thought of him seeing me do it and then him living his life knowing that "J" didn't want him and now I didn't either. So I didn't do it. THAT is only reason I didn't do it, because of Noah. I owe my life to Noah.

I hope one day he realizes just how much I love him and all I tried to do for him. I wish I could get inside his head and knew what made him tick. Then I could really be the mom he needs me to be. I love him soo much and one day I will be that mom!!!