Let the healing begin...

I'm not sure if you have read my last few blogs, but I have one thing on both of them that I would like to explain.

One thing about me is, I am not a hugger. When you come from a family that loves to dish out hugs over anything and everything it's hard to not be a hugger, but I am not. In fact I get lots of teasing and such from my family because I don't hug. There is a specific reason I am not a hugger. Let me add that if I just dish out a hug on my own that it is something very special and you must have done something special or that meant a lot to me.

This is something that I have kept a secret for several years. In fact it has been such a secret that besides my parents and Dan, only a handful of very close friends know. I only told my brother about it about a month ago. My own family doesn't even know. I don't want anyone to look at me differently and I don't want anyone's pity. I just want to explain to people why I am the way I am about some things. I also need to try to start my healing process - I have always just repressed my feelings about it and ignored it.

I was sexually abused as a child. I think my weight, paranoia, and my anxiety all stem from this. I have never been ready to go to counseling for it, but am ready now. We can't afford it, but when we can I am going to go.

I just hope that this insight and private look at my life helps people understand me more. Maybe you even understand me more than you would like to. It's not anything I am ashamed of. It was not my fault.

I didn't tell my parents about it until I was 16. It took several years for me to tell them. They have been very supportive of me, and always been by my side when I needed them to be. When I went to college, my academic advisor was also a counselor. He looked at all my past report cards and IQ tests, and there was an IQ test where my IQ dropped dramatically. He said that is usually a sign of trauma in someone's life. It was the same time I was being abused. It was then that it all really hit home for my parents and made it real for them. Not that it wasn't real for them before, just made it more real for them.

Dan as been more than supportive to me and I love him more and more each day. At a time when I never thought I would find a man to love me, God sent me Dan. He will never know how much he means to me.

Some of you are probably wondering why I would post this. I guess it's my way of starting my healing process. It was 20+ years ago, and I need to start healing. I need to forgive. I need to move on and not let it haunt me any more. It's time to let the healing begin.